Cyrano de Bergerac Read online

  DE GUICHE [backing a step] Very well. You have dropped from the moon! ... He is perhaps a lunatic!

  CYRANO [walking up close to him] Not metaphorically, mind that! DE GUICHE But...

  CYRANO A hundred years ago, or else a minute,—for I have no conception how long I have been falling,—I was up there, in that saffron-colored ball!

  DE GUICHE [shrugging his shoulders] You were. Now, let me pass!

  CYRANO [standing in his way] Where am I? Be frank with me! Keep nothing from me! In what region, among what people, have I been shot like an aerolite?

  DE GUICHE I wish to pass!

  CYRANO While falling I could not choose my way, and have no notion where I have fallen! Is it upon a moon, or is it upon an earth, I have been dragged by my posterior weight?

  DE GUICHE I tell you, sir...

  CYRANO [with a scream of terror at which DE GUICHE starts backward a step] Great God! ... In this country men’s faces are soot-black!

  DE GUICHE [lifting his hand to his face] What does he mean?

  CYRANO [still terrified] Am I in Algeria? Are you a native? ...

  DE GUICHE [who has felt his mask] Ah, my mask!

  CYRANO [pretending to be easier] So I am in Venice! ... Or am I in Genoa?

  DE GUICHE [attempting to pass] A lady is expecting me!

  CYRANO [completely reassured] Ah, then I am in Paris.

  DE GUICHE [smiling in spite of himself] The rogue is not far from amusing!

  CYRANO Ah, you are laughing!

  DE GUICHE I laugh... but intend to pass!

  CYRANO [beaming] To think I should strike Paris! [Quite at his ease, laughing, brushing himself, bowing.] I arrived—pray, pardon my appearance! —by the last whirlwind. I am rather unpresentable—Travel, you know! My eyes are still full of star-dust. My spurs are clogged with bristles off a planet. [Appearing to pick something off his sleeve.] See, on my sleeve, a comet’s hair! [He makes a feint of blowing it away.]

  DE GUICHE [beside himself] Sir...

  CYRANO [as DE GUICHE is about to pass, stretching out his leg as if to show something on it, thereby stopping him.] Embedded in my calf, I have brought back one of the Great Bear’s teeth... and as, falling too near the Trident, I strained aside to clear one of its prongs, I landed sitting in Libra, ... yes, one of the scales! ... and now my weight is registered up there! [Quickly preventing DE GUICHE from passing, and taking hold of a button on his doublet.] And if, Monsieur, you should take my nose between your fingers and compress it ... milk would result!

  DE GUICHE What are you saying? Milk? ...

  CYRANO Of the Milky Way.

  DE GUICHE Go to the devil!

  CYRANO No! I am sent from Heaven, literally. [Folding his arms.] Will you believe—I discovered it in passing—that Sirius at night puts on a night-cap? [Confidentially.] The lesser Bear is too little yet to bite.... [Laughing.] I tumbled plump through Lyra, and snapped a string! ... [Magnificent.] But I intend setting all this down in a book, and the golden stars I have brought back caught in my shaggy mantle, when the book is printed, will be seen serving as asterisks!

  DE GUICHE I have stood this long enough! I want ...

  CYRANO I know perfectly what you want!

  DE GUICHE Man ...

  CYRANO You want to know, from me, at first hand, what the moon is made of, and whether that monumental pumpkin is inhabited?

  DE GUICHE [shouting] Not in the very least! I want ...

  CYRANO To know how I got there? I got there by a method of my own invention.

  DE GUICHE [discouraged] He is mad! ... stark!

  CYRANO [disdainfully] Do not imagine that I resorted to anything so absurd as Regiomontanus’s eagle, or anything so lacking in enterprise as Archytas’s pigeon! ...56

  DE GUICHE The madman is erudite.

  CYRANO I drew up nothing that had ever been thought of before! [DE GUICHE has succeeded in getting past CYRANO, and is nearing ROXANE’s door; CYRANO follows him, ready to buttonhole him.] I invented no less than six ways of storming the blue fort of Heaven!

  DE GUICHE [turning around] Six, did you say?

  CYRANO [volubly] One way was to stand naked in the sunshine, in a harness thickly studded with glass phials, each filled with morning dew. The sun in drawing up the dew, you see, could not have helped drawing me up too!

  DE GUICHE [surprised, taking a step toward CYRANO] True. That is one!

  CYRANO [taking a step backward, with a view to drawing DE GUICHE away from the door] Or else, I could have let the wind into a cedar coffer, then rarified the imprisoned element by means of cunningly adjusted burning-glasses, and soared up with it!

  DE GUICHE [taking another step toward CYRANO] Two!

  CYRANO [backing] Or else, mechanic as well as artificer, I could have fashioned a giant grasshopper, with steel joints, which, impelled by successive explosions of salt-peter, would have hopped with me to the azure meadows where graze the starry flocks!

  DE GUICHE [unconsciously following CYRANO, and counting on his fingers] That makes three!

  CYRANO Since smoke by its nature ascends, I could have blown into an appropriate globe a sufficient quantity to ascend with me!

  DE GUICHE [as above, more and more astonished] Four!

  CYRANO Since Phoebe, the moon-goddess, when she is at wane, is greedy, 0 beeves! of your marrow,... with that marrow have besmeared myself!

  DE GUICHE [amazed] Five!

  CYRANO [who while talking has backed, followed by DE GUICHE, to the further side of the square, near a bench] Or else, I could have placed myself upon an iron plate, have taken a magnet of suitable size, and thrown it in the air! That way is a very good one! The magnet flies upward, the iron instantly after; the magnet no sooner overtaken than you fling it up again.... The rest is clear! You can go upward indefinitely.

  DE GUICHE Six!... But here are six excellent methods! Which of the six, my dear sir, did you select?

  CYRANO A seventh!

  DE GUICHE Did you, indeed? And what was that?

  CYRANO I give you a hundred guesses!

  DE GUICHE I must confess that I should like to know!

  CYRANO [imitating the noise of the surf, and making great, mysterious gestures] Hoo-ish! hoo-ish!

  DE GUICHE Well! What is that?

  CYRANO Cannot you guess?

  DE GUICHE No!

  CYRANO The tide! ... At the hour in which the moon attracts the deep, I lay down upon the sands, after a sea-bath... and, my head being drawn up first,—the reason of this, you see, that the hair will hold a quantity of water in its mop!—I rose in the air, straight, beautifully straight, like an angel. I rose... I rose softly... without an effort... when, suddenly, I felt a shock. Then...

  DE GUICHE [lured on by curiosity, taking a seat on the bench] Well, then? ...

  CYRANO Then... [resuming his natural voice.] The time is up, Monsieur, and I release you. They are married.

  DE GUICHE [getting to his feet with a leap] I am dreaming or drunk! That voice? [The door of ROXANE’s house opens; lackeys appear carrying lighted candelabra. CYRANO removes his hat.] And that nose! ... Cyrano!

  CYRANO [bowing] Cyrano. They have exchanged rings within the quarter of the hour.

  DE GUICHE Who have? [He turns round. Tableau. Behind the lackey stand ROXANE and CHRISTIAN holding hands. THE CAPUCHIN follows them smiling. RAGUENEAU holds high a flambeau. THE DUENNA closes the procession, bewildered, in her bedgown.]

  SCENE XIV

  The Same, Roxane, Christian, the Capuchin, Ragueneau, Lackeys, the Duenna

  DE GUICHE Heavens! [to ROXANE.] You! [Recognizing CHRISTIAN with amazement.] He? [Bowing to ROXANE.] Your astuteness compels my admiration! [To CYRANO.] My compliments to you, ingenious inventor of flying machines. Your experiences would have beguiled a saint on the threshold of Paradise! Make a note of them.... They can be used again, with profit, in a book!

  CYRANO [bowing] I will confidently follow your advice.

  THE CAPUCHIN [to DE GUICHE, pointing at the lovers, and wa
gging his great white beard with satisfaction] A beautiful couple, my son, brought together by you!

  DE GUICHE [eyeing him frigidly] As you say! [To ROXANE.] And now proceed, Madame, to take leave of your husband.

  ROXANE What?

  DE GUICHE [to CHRISTIAN] The regiment is on the point of starting. You are to join it!

  ROXANE To go to war?

  DE GUICHE Of course!

  ROXANE But the cadets are not going!

  DE GUICHE They are! [Taking out the paper which he had put in his pocket.] Here is the order. [To CHRISTIAN.] I beg you will take it to the Captain, baron, yourself.

  ROXANE [throwing herself in CHRISTIAN’s arms] Christian!

  DE GUICHE [to CYRANO, with a malignant laugh] The wedding night is somewhat far as yet!

  CYRANO [aside] He thinks that he is giving me great pain!

  CHRISTIAN [to ROXANE] Oh, once more, dear! ... Once more!

  CYRANO Be reasonable... Come! ... Enough!

  CHRISTIAN [still clasping ROXANE] Oh, it is hard to leave her.... You cannot know...

  CYRANO [trying to draw him away] I know. [Drums are heard in the distance sounding a march.]

  DE GUICHE [at the back] The regiment is on its way!

  ROXANE [to CYRANO, while she clings to CHRISTIAN whom he is trying to draw away] Oh!... I entrust him to your care! Promise that under no circumstance shall his life be placed in danger! CYRANO I will endeavor... but obviously cannot promise... ROXANE [same business] Promise that he will be careful of himself! CYRANO I will do my best, but...

  ROXANE [as above] That during this terrible siege he shall not take harm from the cold!

  CYRANO I will try, but...

  ROXANE [as above] That he will be true to me!

  CYRANO Of course, but yet, you see...

  ROXANE [as above] That he will write to me often!

  CYRANO [stopping] Ah, that... I promise freely!

  [Curtain.]

  ACT FOUR

  The Gascony Cadets

  The post occupied at the siege of Arras57 by the company of CARBON DE CASTEL JALOUX. At the back, across the whole stage, sloping earthwork. Beyond this is seen a plain stretching to the horizon; the country is covered with constructions relating to the siege. In the distance, against the sky, the outlines of the walls and roofs of Arras. Tents; scattered arms; drums, etc. It is shortly before sunrise. The East is yellow. Sentinels at even intervals. Camp-fires. The GASCONY CADETS lie asleep, rolled in their cloaks. CARBON DE CASTEL-JALOUX and LE BRET are watching. All are very pale and gaunt. CHRISTIAN lies sleeping among the others, in his military cape, in the foreground, his face lighted by one of the camp-fires. Silence.

  SCENE I

  Christian, Carbon de Castel-Jaloux, Le Bret, the Cadets, then Cyrano

  LE BRET It is dreadful!

  CARBON Yes. Nothing left.

  LE BRET Mordious!

  CARBON [warning him by a gesture to speak lower] Curse in a whisper! You will wake them! ... [To the CADETS.] Hush! Go to sleep! [To LE BRET.] Who sleeps dines.

  LE BRET Who lies awake misses two good things... What a situation! [A few shots are heard in the distance.]

  CARBON The devil take their popping! They will wake my young ones! ... [To the CADETS who lift their heads.] Go to sleep! [The CADETS lie down again. Other shots are heard, nearer.]

  ONE OF THE CADETS [stirring] The devil! Again?

  CARBON It is nothing. It is Cyrano getting home. [The heads which had started up, go down again.]

  A SENTINEL [outside] Ventrebleu! Who goes there?

  CYRANO’S VOICE Bergerac!

  THE SENTINEL [upon the embankment] Ventrebieu! Who goes there?

  CYRANO [appearing at the top of the embankment] Bergerac, blockhead! [He comes down. LE BRET goes to him, uneasy]

  LE BRET Ah, thank God!

  CYRANO [warning him by a sign to wake no one] Hush!

  LE BRET Wounded?

  CYRANO Do you not know that it has become a habit with them to miss me?

  LE BRET To me, it seems a little excessive that you should, every morning, for the sake of taking a letter, risk...

  CYRANO [stopping in front of CHRISTIAN] I promised that he would write often. [He looks at CHRISTIAN] He sleeps. He has grown pale. If the poor little girl could know that he is starving.... But handsome as ever!

  LE BRET Go at once and sleep.

  CYRANO Le Bret, do not grumble! Learn this: I nightly cross the Spanish lines at a point where I know beforehand every one will be drunk.

  LE BRET You ought some time to bring us back some victuals!

  CYRANO I must be lightly burdened to flit through! ... But I know that there will be events before the evening. The French, unless I am much mistaken, will eat or die.

  LE BRET Oh, tell us!

  CYRANO No, I am not certain... You will see!

  CARBON What a shameful reversal of the order of things, that the besieger should be starved!

  LE BRET Alas! never was more complicated siege than this of Arras: We besiege Arras, and, caught in a trap, are ourselves besieged by the Cardinal-prince of Spain...

  CYRANO Someone now ought to come and besiege him.

  LE BRET I am not joking!

  CYRANO Oh, oh!

  LE BRET To think, ungrateful boy, that every day you risk a life precious as yours, solely to carry... [ CYRANO goes toward one of the tents. ] Where are you going?

  CYRANO I am going to write another. [He lifts the canvas flap, and disappears in the tent.]

  SCENE II

  The Same, without Cyrano

  [Daybreak has brightened. Rosy flush. The city of Arras at the horizon catches a golden light. The report of a cannon is heard, followed at once by a drum-call, very far away, at the left. Other drums beat, nearer. The drum-calls answer one another, come nearer, come very near, and go off, decreasing, dying in the distance, toward the right, having made the circuit of the camp. Noise of general awakening. Voices of officers in the distance]

  CARBON [with a sigh] The reveille Ah, me! ... [The CADETS stir in their cloaks, stretch.] An end to the succulent slumbers! I know but too well what their first word will be!

  ONE OF THE CADETS [sitting up] I am famished!

  OTHER CADET I believe I am dying!

  ALL Oh!...

  CARBON Get up!

  THIRD CADET I cannot go a step!

  FOURTH CADET I have not strength to stir!

  FIRST CADET [looking at himself in a bit of armor.] My tongue is coated: it must be the weather that is indigestible!

  OTHER CADET Any one who wants them, can have all my titles of nobility for a Chester cheese... or part of one!

  OTHER CADET If my stomach does not have something put into it to take up the attention of my gastric juice, I shall retire into my tent before long... like Achilles!

  OTHER CADET Yes, they ought to provide us with bread!

  CARBON [going to the tent into which CYRANO has retired; low.] Cyrano!

  OTHER CADETS We cannot stand this much longer!

  CARBON [as above, at the door of the tent] To the rescue, Cyrano! You who succeed so well always in cheering them, come and make them pluck up spirits!

  SECOND CADET [falling upon FIRST CADET who is chewing something] What are you chewing, man?

  FIRST CADET A bit of gun-tow fried in axle-grease.... using a burganet as frying pan. The suburbs of Arras are not precisely rich in game....

  OTHER CADET [entering] I have been hunting!

  OTHER CADET [the same] I have been fishing!

  ALL [rising and falling upon the newcomers] What?—what did you catch?—A pheasant?—A carp?—Quick! quick! ... Let us see!

  THE HUNTSMAN A sparrow!

  THE ANGLER A gudgeon!

  ALL [exasperated] Enough of this! Let us revolt!

  CARBON To the rescue, Cyrano! [It is now broad daylight.]

  SCENE III

  The Same, Cyrano

  CYRANO [coming out of the tent, tranquil, a pen behind his ear, a book in his han
d] What is the matter? [Silence. To FIRST CADET.] Why do you go off like that, with that slouching gait?

  THE CADET I have something away down in my heels which inconveniences me.

  CYRANO And what is that?

  THE CADET My stomach.

  CYRANO That is where mine is, too.

  THE CADET Then you too must be inconvenienced.

  CYRANO No. The size of the hollow within me merely increases my sense of my size.

  SECOND CADET I happen to have teeth, long ones!

  CYRANO The better will you bite... in good time!

  THIRD CADET I reverberate like a drum!

  CYRANO You will be of use... to sound the charge!

  OTHER CADET I have a buzzing in my ears!

  CYRANO A mistake. Empty belly, no ears. You hear no buzzing.

  OTHER CADET Ah, a trifling article to eat... and a little oil upon it!

  CYRANO [taking off the CADET’s morion58 and placing it in his hand] That is seasoned.

  OTHER CADET What is there we could devour?

  CYRANO [tossing him the book he has been holding] Try the Iliad!

  OTHER CADET The minister, in Paris, makes his four meals a day!

  CYRANO You feel it remiss in him not to send you a bit of partridge?

  THE SAME Why should he not? And some wine!

  CYRANO Richelieu, some Burgundy, if you please?

  THE SAME He might, by one of his capuchins!

  CYRANO By his Eminence, perhaps, in sober gray?

  OTHER CADET No ogre was ever so hungry!

  CYRANO You may have your fill yet of humble-pie!

  FIRST CADET [shrugging his shoulders] Forever jests!... puns! ... mots!

  CYRANO Le mot59 forever, indeed! And I would wish to die, on a fine evening, under a rose-flushed sky, delivering myself of a good mot in a good cause! ... Ah, yes, the best were indeed, far from fever bed and potion, pierced with the only noble weapon, by an adversary worthy of oneself, to fall upon a glorious field, the point of a sword through his heart, the point of a jest on his lips! ...

  ALL [in a wail] I am hungry!